The Internet Adventures Of Stupidman
- 14 newbie written, usually humorous, sequential articles. (cont.)
Enjoy reading!
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
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Stupidman Brands the Book, Sends Email Attachment
If you are reading this, then the idea I took from
Internet Profit Pearls in Chapters 4&11 really works. Can
you believe what's happening? My family (The Boss,Greased
Lightning,Fashion Girl) say stuff to me (or at me) all the
time. I get to turn it against them in publication(at
least that's the feedback they're giving me).
Unbelievable, I can potentially make money by writing about
how I'm abused by my family. I've already got the next 3
issues outlined in my mind. To think I can capitalize on
my ignorance, America truly is the Land of Opportunity.
My hero, me, er....Stupidman is still trying to enter this
millenium by doing the exercises contained in the free
chapters of Internet Profit Pearls (IPP).
I have read the free chapters and have signed up for most
of the affiliate programs that promised me small fortunes.
(Including one that cost $50, I'm an affiliate of 14 or 15
programs). Some of the programs would only accept me if I
had a website (which I don't) so I signed off on a
website/hosting agreement with the publisher of IPP,
startingfromzero.com (describes my situation perfectly) for
$6 a month. (Read Chapter 3, last screen first, and you'll
understand).
As I intend to resell the book I have to brand my copy.
The publisher will brand the free chapters for $27 and the
entire book for $47 but I'm on a budget. (I actually read
the free chapters,bought the book,got the book review idea
in the non-free chapters and then started on these
exercises. Under normal circumstances I would have paid
$47 and have been done with it. The punishment I have
inflicted upon myself at least results in another
"Adventure".)
I made a list of my special urls that I received from the
affiliate programs. (Techies call it u-r-l, they go crazy
if you pronounce it earl. Try it!) There's a file in the
book called Read Me First which has the instructions for
branding. It's pretty easy to follow until you get to item
6 which says click the "Edit Field" button. I must have
spent 5 minutes staring at the console looking for the
nonexistent button. Press the "Edit Brand" button, the
computer won't blow up, I promise.
Item 8 does not assume Stupidman would read this book so
with the reluctant assistance of Greased Lightning I will
expand on this instruction. Put cursor on the "with value"
field and click, then, use the right arrow on the keyboard
to move text. Delete what you don't want then type in your
stuff. If you spot a screwup before you hit ok press
cancel and try again. If you press ok before you notice a
screwup I don't know what to tell you. (This is not to say
Stupidman didn't screwup, merely that it was not noticed.
Ignorance can be bliss.)
Some companies have several affiliate programs (like
roibot). If you signed up for one you're probably in all
of them, so brand all versions of the same company.
I spent a lot of time,unsuccessfully, trying to check my
branded links. Finally gave up but I'm sure I did it right.
I emailed the author to inquire how to upload to the IPP
hosted site but was told (I thought his tone was kind of
snippy) there was NO WAY he would allow Stupidman to upload
and that I needed to email the branded book as an
attachment.
A new challenge, but this turned out to be surprisingly
easy. Our email uses Outlook Express and Help is at the
top of the screen. Help leads to Contents which is where I
found Attachments. Using the selective printing function
described in an earlier issue, I copy the "insert a file in
a message" instructions. Hard copy in hand I attach the
branded book and send it off into cyberspace (hopefully in
the general direction of the author).
P.S. My son, Greased Lightning, has critiqued the first
three (already published) issues and (agrees with my name)
says there is no Pkzip, should have said PKWARE. Sorry
Stupidman Creates a Signature File, Opens a Lock
This is the fifth issue of the Stupidman series. It has a
finite life as I am slowly becoming less stupid. Once
again, for those who are only now joining this quest for
enlightenment, back issues can be ordered (no charge) via
email
stupidmansfz@yahoo.com. (Don't put the ending period
in the address, it's only for punctuation.)
A signature file is the stuff that is under the sender's
name at the end of the email. It usually has a line of
text that says "Become a Bazillionaire By Working 10
Minutes a Year". The second line has misspelled words, is
underlined and highlighted in a pretty color. I don't know
how to make the pretty color but usually the sponsor of the
program will do it for you.
**Stupidman has no idea why the email address above plus
part of the next sentence is all lit up. I saw it when I
emailed this article to the first publisher. Must be email
magic. In a future article I will explore this mystery and
share the knowledge.**
Actually, I'm pretty sure my son, Greased Lightning, can
purposely light up a line but he's trying to avoid me as he
is not enjoying his appearances in the Stupidman
Adventures. Case in point, he pronounces ezine as "ezeene"
while I usually pronounce it with a hard i. His favorite
sport is arguing. Yesterday, I mistakenly said "ezeene" in
his presence which resulted in a 30 second tirade before he
realized he was arguing in favor of the hard i. (Ain't
teenagers wonderful?) As I furiously began taking notes he
begged me not to include his gaffe in the "Adventures".
Sure, son (he is a great source of material).
Go on reading: Top right
Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
Grenville Kleiser
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Assume somebody sends you a pretty colored URL that does
not embarrass you and you want to promote it. Courtesy of
Greased Lightning (before he quit talking to me) I did the
following: Left click and drag the cursor over the pretty
colors, hold Ctrl key (it's at the bottom of the key pad)
down and hit C (this will copy it somewhere into
cyberspace). Click Tools (at the very top of your screen),
then Options, then Signature, go to text. Click cursor on
the top line, hold Ctrl key down and hit V (I think V
abbreviates the German word for paste or maybe viola). As
in viola (wahla), it worked. The pretty colors are now on
the first line. You can drop this line down to make room
for your text by clicking cursor on the first line and
hitting enter. Now type some catchy phrases like, "Make
Stupidman a Bazillionaire, Sign Up At" above the URL then
hit ok. You now have a signature to promote my......I mean
your business. (Don't know why it's called a signature,
it's more like a P.S..)
Every time you send an email this drivel you are promoting
will accompany it. You will find yourself manually
deleting it when you are emailing your mother, your
minister, your 9-5 boss (never let your boss know you are
trying to get out from under his/her thumb or he/she might
try to help).
If you downloaded the book but didn't pay $30 you are
stuck in Chapter 3 and for you the "Adventure" series is
over. See yah. For those of you who paid the $30 we have
11 more chapters that pretty much is a blueprint for
building or buying all the pieces of a functioning dot com.
I've done a quick read of these chapters and have
capitalized (stolen?) on an idea discussed in Chapters 4 &
11 to write these articles.
Upon purchasing the book you received an email that
contained a series of characters and symbols that are CASE
SENSITIVE (remember that). This is the key/password to
open the good stuff. As with most passwords you can't see
what you are typing. (Why do they always assume you are in
the middle of Times Square, surrounded by hackers, when you
are entering the passcode?) If I could have seen what I
was typing I might have done better than four tries (maybe
not) before I unlocked the rest of the book.
Stupidman Explores Alt/Ctrl Keys, Printing W/O Paper
I took typing in high school. In 1969, as I recall,
Typing I was designed for future executive secretaries and
jocks. No bell curve for grading, everybody gets a B or an
A. I was an offensive lineman, the teacher's son was a
running back. Should have been a piece of cake.
Stupidman never mastered the concept of touch typing, even
worse, the fingers didn't hit the same keys I was staring
at. Slow and inaccurate. Despite her son scoring a 40
yard touchdown when I sprung him with the key block, I got
straight D's in the class (there might have been a city
ordinance against failing anyone in typing).
Thirty plus years later and no appreciable improvement.
With a typewriter you hit the wrong key, big deal, reach
for the white out. But the devil designed the keyboard on
the computer. Who in his right mind would put the Alt key
on either side of the space bar and Ctrl key under the
shift keys? Most of the time I discover the erroneous
finger placement after I hit the next key. The Alt key
problem usually results in some sort of menu screaming at
me which, I have since found out, usually goes away if you
left click the mouse. (Even so, who likes popups when you
are typing?) But the Ctrl key error is often fatal. Ctrl
followed too quickly by a letter has magical powers. (Both
Greased Lightning and The Boss insist no one could be so
inept as to hit both keys at the same time but I have 30
plus years of sporadic, incompetent typing experiences to
say otherwise.) I have discovered that Ctrl Z deletes
everything previously entered in the email. (That
discovery wasted 20 minutes of painstaking composition.)
One time, in the midst of another long email (this stuff
seems to happen on long emails, maybe my fingers get
tired) the first couple of paragraphs reappeared later in
the letter. As a result of writing these "Adventures" I
now suspect I sabotaged myself by hitting the Ctrl key
twice, once with a C (copy) and later with a V (the German
word for paste). Of course, it might have been magic but a
prefer a semi-plausible explanation.
On occasion, I have accidentally fired up the printer when
it had no paper. Other times I have pulled the paper out
of the tray to stop a job. On one occasion I had
highlighted three paragraphs I wanted to print out of a 22
page report. In my haste I neglected to check selection
which allowed the default to remain at "all" (the proper
technique was described in an earlier "Adventure"). Let me
tell you what does not work. Removing the paper does not
cancel the job. The printer patiently waits for the return
of paper and happily continues the job. Disconnecting the
power is even worse, this makes the printer mad. Once you
reconnect the power and give it paper it prints what
appears to be the Greek alphabet one character per page.
The Boss told me, for the purpose of this article, to look
for a picture of a printer (on our computer it only appears
when the printer is working and it's green) at the bottom
right of the screen, double click it, a menu pops up,
double click the job, click document, then click purge
printing. This whole process will take so long you'll
probably waste two or three sheets of paper. (Even more if
if you have to look for this article.) Although untested,
my recommendation is to use the "Stupidman pause". Deny
the printer any paper then, find this article and follow
The Boss' instructions.
Go on reading:
Stupidman Composes The Adventures
Stupidman Gets Published Part I
Three free chapters of IPP Can Be Downloaded At
http://www.thecassiopeia.com/Portal/ipp.zip
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Copyright 2002, Skidthrough Enterprises
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money,
than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more
important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
Charles Swindoll
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