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  Read More Articles August, 2002
The Internet Adventures Of Stupidman
- 14 newbie written, usually humorous, sequential articles. (cont.)
Enjoy reading!

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4


By Stupidman, Internet Guru Trainee

I recently wrote an article, "5 Reasons Why You Should Post A Free Classified Ad" and have received a lot of positive feedback about the article but nobody said anything nice about the spamsters.

I tried to imagine what the Internet would be like without spam and concluded my life would be negatively impacted by it's absence.

Most of the spam I get is funny. Ridiculous claims, poor syntax and bad spelling seem to be the constants. Sometimes when I try to reply to their scheme I am told by the server that they have been shut down. These pathetic souls are promoting something that is, at least temporarily, out of business. They cite U.S. House and Senate bills that died in session as evidence they are not spamsters. I have actually been advised that unsolicited bulk email is not spam.

When I check my email and find no new messages it's a let down. I feel unpopular, unloved. If it's a slow day and all I have is a little spam, I read it. It's pretty obvious these front line spamsters have been taken in by the slick website that provides a bundle of services for a fee which includes "blasting" a pitch to millions of "opt in" email addresses. I feel better just knowing there is somebody dumber than Stupidman. They're so dumb they probably don't know they're spamming plus they paid for the privilege.

I used to save the "Nigerian" letters that arrived by snail mail. The stamps were pretty and there was some variation in the story line. Visitors that came to my office were amused by my collection and often requested copies. I received a Nigerian email a couple of weeks ago that was sent from a Yahoo! account.

What a pleasant, nostalgic experience. The poor grammar, their admission of stealing $70,000,000 from the Nigerian government (death sentence ?), offering me 30% to commit a federal crime by laundering the money. All I had to do was provide them with the information necessary to raid my bank account and steal my identity. Sure it was spam, but it was entertaining. The Yahoo! account made me suspicious that this might be a "fake" Nigerian scheme. I hope not, as I thought it was uplifting to know that the Nigerians were using the Internet to improve their economy.

I've even received some educational spam. Got a long chain letter scheme in Spanish (or Spammish as it is referred to in the Stupidman household). It became a project for my son, Greased Lightning, and me to translate. As he'll be taking Spanish II next year this was a worthwhile family project. He even enjoyed it.

I don't like receiving the porn spam. It might be okay if I was single but I'm not. I worry that I'll be accused by The Boss, Mrs. Stupidman, or the kids of being a porn addict. (It's bad enough being a spam addict.) All I can do is delete it. On the rare occasions when they offer an "unsubscribe" you have to do it at a website. That sounds like a good way to get on even more porn lists.

If you are viewing an empty mail box and missing out on the rich, cultural experiences like the Nigerian letter and Spammish email, it may not be because you are unpopular. It's probably due to your spam filters. Turn them off, have some fun and read the spam.

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Success with money, family, relationships, health, and careers is the ability to reach your personal objectives in the shortest time, with the least effort and with the fewest mistakes. The goals you set for yourself and the strategies you choose become your blueprint or plan. Strategies are like recipes: choose the right ingredients, mix them in the correct proportions, and you will always produce the same predictable results: in this case financial success. The success strategies for managing money and building wealth are called Money Strategies. By learning to use money strategies as a part of your day-to-day life, financial frustration and failure will become a thing of the past. Charles Givens, author of Wealth Without Risk

Achieve success in any area of life by identifying the optimum strategies and repeating them until they become habits. Charles Givens, author of Wealth Without Risk

The person with a fixed goal, a clear picture of his desire, or an ideal always before him, causes it, through repetition, to be buried deeply in his subconscious mind and is thus enabled, thanks to its generative and sustaining power, to realize his goal in a minimum of time and with a minimum of physical effort. Just pursue the thought unceasingly. Step by step you will achieve realization, for all your faculties and powers become directed to that end. Claude Bristol, author of The Magic of Believing

Go on reading: Top right

You Don't Need An Autoresponder!

By Stupidman, Internet Guru Trainee

If your goal is to slowly grow a business, personally respond to every visitor, manually answer every email, avoid automation at all costs and spend as much time as you can to receive the least amount of revenue. That's my complete argument for the catchy title I used for this article.

As an Internet Guru Trainee I am constantly searching for "secrets" I can divulge to the unsuspecting public. I am sure it will take several years to come up with enough secrets to get my promotion. In the meantime, I'm hoping the research will result in some humorous, informative articles.

(If you came here looking for a secret, I'm not sharing any today. At least, I don't think it's a secret. Stick around, maybe you'll think it's a secret. If you do, that's Great!!)

I don't know everything about autoresponders (I'm only an Internet Guru Trainee). I'm aware of two kinds of autoresponders; free and not free. I've had one of each. Theoretically, one should receive more benefits from a not free autoresponder. Given that there are thousands (millions ?) of companies providing autoresponders, it's probably safe to say the best free autoresponder is better than the worst non free.

(I'm going to use categorical statements in this article, words like all, none, everybody, nobody. Let's agree right now, there are exceptions to these statements. I don't want to be bombarded by unemployed philosophers, a redundant term, emailing me with examples of Boolean Algebra to prove their point.)

I had a "free" autoresponder. It came with hosting. Anytime it went into action the recipient got a message that had advertising where the salutation should have been. The advertising used the first 4 or 5 lines of the body of the message. That's the area where if you don't get the reader's attention you're deleted. Everything looked so unprofessional I didn't even investigate the rest of it's limited features.

When I complained to the hosting company they told me I only had a "premium service" and needed to upgrade to the super unleaded service that was non free.

Still don't think this is a secret, but it is a truth; NOBODY providing a "free" autoresponder wants you to use it for very long. They want you to upgrade. The trick is to lure you into using their "free" and quickly annoy you into upgrading into their non free version.

This is a pretty successful strategy. The user doesn't have to be burdened with a lot of competive research and is comforted by the expectation that installation of the non free should be no more difficult than the free version.

I didn't consider my autoresponder to be free as it came with my non free hosting. I thought it was a package deal. Consequently, I went researching for alternatives.

It quickly became apparent that the value of the non free was being marketed as features and affiliate commission structure.

Most everybody that's reading this is trying to make a buck so we care about the steady monthly commission one can receive from the affiliate program. Most of the non free I reviewed offered a 2 or 3 tier commission structure with commissions ranging from 30-50% of the monthly cost. In my opinion, the affiliate program is a secondary consideration and one could argue the monthly cost is somewhat secondary.

"What? Cost is secondary? Stupidman, you really are." Calm down. When I say that, I'm assuming we're talking about fancy dancy autoresponders that cost less than $20 a month and provide data base management systems, permit large numbers of simultaneous campaigns, multiple messaging within campaigns, flexibility of switching from text to HTML and tracking features. If you are getting more features than you are used to using and the system comes with user friendly instructions you will find yourself exploring new ways of communicating your message. The improvement in communication is either going to result in more revenues or convince you that ecommerce is hopeless and your time would be better spent painting the house.

Most of the non free are month to month arrangements. Some of them will let you "test drive" the system. (Cancel, before the end of the first month and there is no charge.) If you like the service then you can honestly promote the affiliate program.

I'm not going to tell you I chose the best one. By the time I found the "best" one I'd be too old to use the keyboard. I chose one that I'd seen in action, had all the features that I thought I'd never use and figured I would cancel it within 3 weeks.

Didn't work out that way, I have autoresponders firing out stuff on over 20 campaigns right now and I'm coming up with a lot more ideas. If my campaigns don't work I can always paint the house.

Automation Is The Key To Finding More Ways To Annoy More People you can sign up and/or become an affiliate of a very professional, multi featured autoresponder with a three tier affiliate program. Your new friends will be very impressed and by adding your affiliate URL and something like "Get Rich With 3 Tier Affiliate Program" as part of your signature you will be sharing something of great value with them, and if even just one of these masters of unsolicited bulk email takes your advice you could have an exciting residual income as a result of the third tier.

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